I’ve liked weed since the first time I tried it at Senior Week, when a friend told me about how some guy in our high school had had sex with some girl in our high school. It was scandalous in the dumb way teenage hook-ups are, and she followed up the revelation with the usual “Don’t say anything.” But then she added: “Well, it’s not like we’re ever going back.”

That shit was deep. I was officially high.

Fourteen years later, I think those revelations are still one of my favorite things about marijuana, though the list is long. I love thinking, analyzing, getting high and gazing at the stars, feeling both the weight of my insignificance and the sense of belonging in a vast and seemingly infinite universe.

I love laughing until my stomach hurts and my cheeks turn numb, the pain in my abs harder and more wonderful than any workout could ever produce. I love polishing off the last bite of a delicious meal with unbridled satisfaction. I love waking up hangover-free. But perhaps most of all, I love the clarity and introspection of the herb, being present in a way that allows me to live in the beauty of my life and the magic of my children’s youth.

I know that makes me sound like a total stoner, which I sort of am, but maybe not in the stereotypical way. I don’t smoke nightly and there’s a part of me–a big part, actually–that worries about this blog. And not for the practical reasons, like, “Will I lose my job?”; but rather, the anxiety over the messages I want to send: About values and vices and my overarching thoughts on drugs, life, parenting, work, marriage and love.

Am I getting it right? Am I fucking up completely? I want to preface every post with: “This is what I believed at 32!” Who knows how that will change. Isn’t that the beauty of it all? That we get to keep going and hopefully reach a place where we get it right?

But I guess those are all thoughts for another post, on another day. For now, I just want my girls (and Mr. D) to know that my love for them is as vast and infinite as the universe itself. And maybe that’s what I love about marijuana. In a life that moves astonishingly fast, I get to slow down time when I’m with you.