High times at the holiday party

I have a theory that a woman becomes a witch on her 33rd birthday. Or some do. It’s kinda like finding out you’re going to Hogwarts at 11, but without the personalized owl invitations. I think I might be becoming a witch.

I know that’s really arrogant to assume. Also a bit unhinged. But whatever. I’ve been voicing my birthday theory aloud more and more. Sober. Stoned. In meetings. At happy hours. I mentioned it to some of my coworkers at the office holiday party last week, and Becky with the Good Hair was intrigued.

“How do you know if you’ve become a witch?” she asked.

“I dunno,” I said. “I think maybe the universe gives you signs.”

“And why your 33rd birthday?”

“Because 3 times 3 is 9, and ‘9 is a witchy number,'” I said, quoting Rayanne Graff, from the Nicky Driscoll episode of My So-Called Life. “Also, 32 has been a big year for me personally, and I think the world revolves around me.”

She laughed and I was glad. I was also pretty high.

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Dear Tony from the office Christmas party

Thanks for checking out HighMom.com!

First, I just wanted to ask a quick favor. I am trying to keep this blog anonymous for as long as possible–and despite my level of inebriation, I really am not trying to get fired from my job. If you could refrain from using my name as it relates to this site, I would be eternally grateful. Thanks so very much.

Second, I am very curious to our experiment. Can you comment in this post and let me know how much was in your tip jar during the open bar portion of the event, and how much was in there when it switched to cash?

Also, is your manager a total dick? He struck me as one, but I could be mistaken.

Anyway, thanks again for the fantastic service! Hope you had a great rest of the day.

Warmest wishes,