Subversive

I took a few days off from work to focus on my blog. To buckle down and write some of the essays that have been bouncing around my brain. Instead, I’ve been lounging around in pajamas, smoking weed, obsessing about work, and dealing with overpriced plumbing and car repairs. Not quite as productive or relaxing as I’d hoped.

A few weeks back, we had an office staff retreat at the Hilton. Enrique was on the planning committee and helped organize a workshop on writing. I skipped it and took the leadership training instead. But those who attended the communications class all agreed: It was meh, and Enrique should have just taught it himself.

“Why didn’t you?” I asked.

He scoffed. “I’d be too subversive.”

“What does that mean?”

“You don’t know? You’re subversive,” he said. “Someone who doesn’t follow the rules. Who does things their own way and dismantles the system from within.”

“Oh my God,” I squealed. “Really?? Wow!! Thank you!!”

I was beaming. Enrique laughed. “I can just see you telling Mr. D, ‘Hey, guess what! I’m subversive!'” (Which is exactly what I said when I came home that night.)

I can’t think of a better compliment.

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America and the bathroom counters

Earlier this year, I was crossing Main Street when a truck full of bros rolled down their window and loudly told the Asian women walking in front of me to “go back to China.”

It reminded me of an experience my father once related. A chief engineer who had sailed the world, my dad came to America in 1988, earning a master’s degree in marine policy, and remaining here to provide a better life for his wife and daughter. Around the height of the first Gulf War, his car idled at a red light and another driver pulled beside to yell, “Go home, you sand nigger.”

“This is America?” my father thought, and as I walked across Main Street this beautiful spring day, I thought the same. America is a racist. If America were a person, that’s who he would be.

I also see America as the smartest girl in high school who is now in college, where the landscape is bigger and the competition more formidable.

America is lazy. Entitled, too.

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Hillary and the Lioness

I’ve been looking forward to the debates all election season and even let the kids stay up til 10 to watch. I’m glad I did, too, and not just because they fell asleep the minute we marched upstairs.

I want them to remember this moment in history.

“I like the woman,” Little A said early in the night.

“That’s Hillary,” Big A told her. “I like her too.”

I’m happy you do, my sweet A’s. Hillary is resilient, hard-working, ambitious, self-made, successful, strategic, and incredibly smart. She is a boss bitch, and I believe all women should aspire to boss bitchdom.

Aspire to be President of the United States of America one day. It makes me proud to live in a time when you can set that kind of goal.

One of my favorite fantasies is my time machine one—where I’m the hot, bedazzled Queen of Studio 54, shimmering under the disco ball and inventing the dance moves of the future—but then I remember, no, that was a shitty period for most women; that 2016 is actually the best possible time for our gender, where opportunities abound, and girls can run the world, Beyoncé style.

The night before Leymah Gbowee won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize for helping to lead the women’s protests that toppled Liberia’s dictator, she was asked how American women could help those who experienced the horrors and mass rapes of war. Her response: “More women in power.”

This is the Golden Age of the Boss Bitch, and Hillary is proof.

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Haters gon’ hate

For the longest time, the biggest mystery of my life was, “Why does Anaid hate me?”

The question literally haunted my dreams. Sometimes we were friends again, sometimes not.

“Babe… Babe!” I would nudge Mr. D in the middle of the night, and he would roll over in a fog of delirium. “Why does Anaid hate me?”

He would kiss me and tell me to go back to sleep, and eventually I would, but the question always lingered. Mostly because, what the fuck?

I watched a lot of Murder She Wrote as a kid, and I feel like I’m good at putting clues together. But when I dissect the anatomy of our friendship and breakup, nothing makes sense.

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The Green Room

I stumbled upon the most incredible discovery a few weeks ago.

The kids were asleep, the marijuana bowl was freshly packed, and 90210 was on Hulu.

It was Season One, Episode Three—“The Green Room”—and about fifteen minutes in, my jaw hung wide, the epiphany far more potent than weed.

“Oh my God,” I said to absolutely no one. Dylan and Brandon were lovers! From the moment they locked eyes!

I felt like Brandon at the end of the show because I, too, finally knew what to write for my erotic literary salon reading.

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Half a page of scribbled lines

I.

I cried before my eldest daughter’s birth. It must have been around 1:28 in the afternoon. She had been in the breech position for months, her upright body folded in half. Uncomfortable, I’m sure, but I like to believe my heart was one of the first sounds she ever heard. It beats for you. That was all I truly knew. I was supposed to be filled with love, I knew, but I had only fear, and as I lay on the hospital bed, I felt the tears slide like heavy raindrops off my cheeks. The nurse looked over and asked if I was okay, and I said yes because I knew it was too late to say I had changed my mind. I’m not ready. My daughter was born at 1:31, just a minute past her scheduled delivery.

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Continuing Ed

I hadn’t planned to go to my commencement ceremony, hadn’t even rented a cap and gown. “Do we have to watch you ‘walk,’” my dad asked. I probably shrugged. It wasn’t important. Not in the way that mattered to our family.

Studying, learning—that was different.

In middle school, I once brought home a report card full of B’s. My parents offered to drive me to McDonald’s and Taco Bell to scope my job prospects. “That’s your future,” they said at the time.

The both share six college degrees, though I’ve never seen a diploma. Probably just another paper my dad tossed in the recycling bin. Education is such a critical, natural part of life, why be all showy about it?

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The Happy Pessimist

You ever notice how Facebook women of a certain age always seem to thank their men for keeping them sane? I know I’m probably guilty of it too. Without Mr. D, my brain would be… ugh. I shudder to think.

It all goes back to Enrique’s universal truth: “All men are dumb; all women are crazy.”

And I’m admittedly as nuts as the next broad. Maybe more so. But I often feel like my crazy gets rebranded as pessimism when it suits Mr. D’s arguments or assumptions about me.

We even had a spat about this a few months back. I can’t seem to remember what exactly we were fighting about now, but I said that I’m too naturally happy to be negative. Mr. D said it’s possible to be a happy pessimist, that the two are not mutually exclusive.

And I’ve been thinking about that a lot ever since.

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8/31/16

I write so many essays while high. Just in my own head. All the words I want to put on paper but never actually do.

And I don’t know why. I know I can. I just don’t. Out of sheer laziness, maybe? Fear of not having anything worthwhile to say? I don’t know. I have a journal full of disconnected stoner insights that may one day serve as the basis for more posts.

But not tonight. For now, I plan to do what this blog started out as: the high mom diaries.

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Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

This past Tuesday, two days before my eldest daughter turned six, I found myself screaming “Serenity Now” on the ride home from swim lessons.

Big A was being so mean to her little sister, so uncharacteristically bratty and whiny that when she finally said something about how Little A and another kid in her daycare ruined the dresses she had made for her stuffed animal kittens and then smacked her sister in the head, I responded the only way I knew how.

“Ohmygod, I don’t care,” I yelled. “That is NO excuse for this nonsense. KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW!!!”

My angry mom voice is pretty on point when it needs to be. It shut her up for about 10 minutes.

And then it started back up. All evening it was something. One complaint followed by another.

“Ohmygod, Ohmygod, what the fuck,” I finally said to Mr. D before stepping outside to hit the bowl.

I came back to more fights. Unfinished dinners. Whines and tantrums and smacks and cries.

“Bedtime,” I ordered, around 7:30. “I am so done with hearing you both.”

They then marched upstairs and screamed in bed. Obnoxiously. Incessantly. And it might have been the 35th “MOM!” or the second bong hit, or some combination of the two, but about 15 minutes later, I realized that they were literally calling for me. That they needed me. That the only real job of any importance I have is to be there in these moments, the ones where they are at their brattiest, nastiest little selves.

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