I got high and watched Kung Fu Panda for the first time last night. What a disappointment (the movie, not the weed). Apparently the moral of the story is “there is no secret ingredient” to success. It just boils down to fate.

Really, Dreamworks? That is SO not the ninja message.

If you haven’t seen the movie, here’s my synopsis:

An entitled panda named Po is “destined” to be the dragon master and defeat an evil snow leopard prophesied to be dark and dangerous. The leopard is depicted as being ruthlessly ambitious in search of a mysterious scroll, which ultimately ends up being worthless because “there’s no secret ingredient” to success. Po’s destiny leads him to bad-ass animals who have devoted their lives to the martial arts. But since they’re not The Chosen One, they’re worthless. Even as a team, they can’t stop the evil leopard. Meanwhile, Po, an indolent bastard whose only redeeming quality is dueling for a dumpling, never learns the value of grit and moral fortitude but somehow ends up saving the day.

Why would we send that message to kids? It negates everything I hope to teach my daughters, which is: If you want to be a ninja at anything, you have to work really fucking hard. That’s the message of all two of my childhood kung fu movies, The Karate Kid and Sidekicks (RIP, Jonathan Brandis).

Then I venture down my stoned rabbit hole of things I want to teach them:

• Hard work is the secret ingredient to anything worth having in this life, from a good job to a good marriage to everything in between and beyond.
• You’re not entitled to anything. But you sweet, privileged young ladies are destined for greatness. And that’s partly because you’ve been blessed with advantages in this life that not everyone has.
• That may make you may feel like you can get complacent. You can’t. You must use your gifts to make a meaningful mark on whatever you choose to do in this world.
• I hope you’ll be as driven by your own talents as you are by the values your father and I try to instill. Values of kindness, resilience, humor, empathy–the things we hope to teach by example, but sometimes fail in exhibiting ourselves.
• Because none of us are Chosen. We’re just trying our best–and hopefully, trying a little more, and getting a little better, every day.
• Kaizen. Continuous improvement. Work hard, get better.

That’s what this dumb movie should have been about. With way more kung fu.