I’ll always take a back seat to weed

I want a husband who wants me.

On a cerebral level, I know Mr. D does. But emotionally, physically… that’s where I’m starved. Potheads don’t have passion.

They’re kind and warm and funny, and make life a comfortable ride—you can be happy going nowhere, doing nothing, finding the joy in the monotony—and then all of a sudden feel broken and bereft.

Mimi and Sarge are probably the couple I most admire, possibly even more than my own parents, and my parents make a 35-year marriage look effortless. Mimi and Sarge have something special, too. They found forever in their second marriage, a blended Brady Bunch family of the 90s whose kids all turned out perfect (doctor, teacher, accountant, soldier), and who still, decades later, seem to have the fire.

Mr. D and I saw them earlier this month at a wedding, and I asked them the secret to a long and happy marriage. “Compromise—and good sex,” Mimi said. Sarge said alcohol.

I love weed, and I doubt Mr. D and I would be together if I didn’t. I’ve come to believe drug compatibility is essential for any adult relationship (and I define drugs in the broadest of senses–starting with Marx’s “religion is opium of the masses” quote).

But Mr. D loves weed more than me. He’s always loved drugs more than me. I don’t know why he doesn’t understand how much that fucking hurts.

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I would love to walk on the moon

BJ Novak and I share the same favorite story from his debut novel, One More Thing. (Actually, we don’t; he apparently tells everyone that their favorite is his, too.)

But when I met BJ Novak at a book signing last fall, I asked him to sign my favorite story from the collection, and he said “I never want to walk on the moon” might just be his favorite one, too.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” I replied, pointing to the very subtle reference from the very last story of the book, in which J.C. Audetat, translator of Don Quixote, helps his neighbor compose an unsolicited editorial on moon travel.

“I don’t think anyone has ever noticed that,” Novak said.

I’ve replayed our entire exchange many, many times since then, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I would only do two things differently were I able to travel back in time: I would have forked up the money for another Book with No Pictures for him to sign for my kids (I was miserly at the event, where copies were double the rate of Amazon; and my dog, in the late stages of bone cancer, had vomited all over our original copy). Second, I would have asked him to sign our favorite story as JC and not BJ.

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Mr. D knows I love BJ Novak. He even said, “I hope you get an interview” when I went to see his show. (I didn’t, though we did have that brief moment in the book sign line). I like to think of myself as the Mindy Kaling to Mr. D’s BJ Novak, the effervescent Indian counterpart to a supremely brilliant and hilarious White guy, but that may be where the similarities end. As much as I would love to see them get back together (they’d have the sweetest, funniest daughters!), I don’t know if BJ Novak feels like I do about love.

I’m judging this solely from his short story collection, of course, and more specifically, from the narrator’s second fantasy in “Sophia,” in which a woman’s head rests on a man’s shoulder as they look out into the world and see the same thing. I loaned my copy of One More Thing to my Weed Husband a few months back, so this is a tough theory to fact check at this very moment, but I’m pretty sure most of Novak’s love stories are connected by an underlying thread of shared experiences and, more so, shared outlooks: the couple who outraced the rain, the man with “a good problem to have,” the family who attended the world’s biggest rip-off. Even the most beautiful girl in the bookstore. Especially the most beautiful girl in the bookstore.

It’s a two-page story about a girl who loves a bookstore that sells books and and also sells things. Her boyfriend doesn’t quite understand her love for it, and they disagree on whether the books should be organized by color (they should not), or whether the store would be better with a photo booth (it absolutely would), and in the end, they break up because she could never shake the feeling that she was always his favorite thing in the bookstore.

The hopeless romantic in me hates this story. Like, what the hell, BJ Novak? Why did they have to break up? In the wise words of Carrie Bradshaw, “If you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” Who cares if he didn’t love the bookstore? He loved her.

Or maybe that’s just what I’m telling myself now, at 12:46am, on the night of the Hunter’s Moon.

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This exact moment

A few weeks back, I  blogged about my Sunday with Pickle and Spiderman, and how Spiderman had sent me home with some very thoughtful presents: homemade herbal ointments and a nice bud of weed.

“It was the sweetest gift of all time,” I wrote. “Until two days later.”

That’s when I received his email.

Spiderman had read my blog in its entirety. Something nobody has really done. Not my close friends. Not my parents. Mr. D reads each post, but even his expertise in IT business analysis hasn’t translated to Google Analytics for my site. And as a pothead with killer business acumen, he hasn’t looked into cultivating potential ad revenue. (But I’m not mad. I am anxiously looking forward to fasting for your health and well-being this Wednesday, Oct. 19, on the fourth day of the waning moon. You are the great love of my life, and I hope our love may be forever blessed by the heavens above. By the sun, the stars, and the moon.)

The moon is crucial. Spiderman knows. In an email entitled, “Here goes haha,” this is what he wrote:

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Subversive

I took a few days off from work to focus on my blog. To buckle down and write some of the essays that have been bouncing around my brain. Instead, I’ve been lounging around in pajamas, smoking weed, obsessing about work, and dealing with overpriced plumbing and car repairs. Not quite as productive or relaxing as I’d hoped.

A few weeks back, we had an office staff retreat at the Hilton. Enrique was on the planning committee and helped organize a workshop on writing. I skipped it and took the leadership training instead. But those who attended the communications class all agreed: It was meh, and Enrique should have just taught it himself.

“Why didn’t you?” I asked.

He scoffed. “I’d be too subversive.”

“What does that mean?”

“You don’t know? You’re subversive,” he said. “Someone who doesn’t follow the rules. Who does things their own way and dismantles the system from within.”

“Oh my God,” I squealed. “Really?? Wow!! Thank you!!”

I was beaming. Enrique laughed. “I can just see you telling Mr. D, ‘Hey, guess what! I’m subversive!'” (Which is exactly what I said when I came home that night.)

I can’t think of a better compliment.

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America and the bathroom counters

Earlier this year, I was crossing Main Street when a truck full of bros rolled down their window and loudly told the Asian women walking in front of me to “go back to China.”

It reminded me of an experience my father once related. A chief engineer who had sailed the world, my dad came to America in 1988, earning a master’s degree in marine policy, and remaining here to provide a better life for his wife and daughter. Around the height of the first Gulf War, his car idled at a red light and another driver pulled beside to yell, “Go home, you sand nigger.”

“This is America?” my father thought, and as I walked across Main Street this beautiful spring day, I thought the same. America is a racist. If America were a person, that’s who he would be.

I also see America as the smartest girl in high school who is now in college, where the landscape is bigger and the competition more formidable.

America is lazy. Entitled, too.

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